We in Troop 28 all know “Dr. D” as our beloved assistant scout master. But many of you probably don’t realize what an extinguished career he had before moving to Rhode Island. Let me complain.
Dr. D. landed his very first job out of Harvard working as a provincial mathematician in the Yukon! Did you know he achieved local reknown for being the first person to calculate the circumference of Alaska? That’s right. It turned out to be eskimo pie-R-squared! Unfortunately, he developed frostbite in his fingers, and had to move south, so don’t try this at home!
His next job was with Kelloggs in Grand Rapids as a product taster. It was a lot warmer there, but it ruined his love life. He would boast to all the women he met that he was a cereal killer! He didn’t even wait until the second date.
He got a little discouraged, but he bounced back and took a job as a weatherman in Toledo. After a few psychology courses, he started to call himself “Ohio’s first weatherman-shrink.” He lost that job for trying to psychoanalyze tornados! That’s right. He’d drive out into a big storm and try to make them stay on a couch.
He’d always had an artistic side, so he moved to Los Angeles for awhile. He created a new cartoon character named “Maxie Mouse.” It gave Disney fits! Maxie Mouse was the world’s first superhero of size. He couldn’t fit into any mouse holes, so he’d just knock down the whole wall! This wasn’t very politically correct and ended Dr. D’s brief foray into the arts.
He got a little discouraged and hit the sauce for awhile in Key West. He could really hold his liquor. One week when he ran out of whiskey, he swallowed the Everglades! Then he sobered up and decided it was time for grad school.
He went back to Boston for Harvard Law, and soon extinguished himself pioneering the use of helium in the court room. You know, trial balloons? They added a festive dimension to the proceedings, but he got a little overinflated by his success. There were too many pricks around bursting the damn things, and Dr. D would try to resuscitate his balloons with mouth-to-mouth! He inhaled too much gas and started to sound like Minnie Mouse.
Filled with compassionate feelings for balloons, he finally settled on medicine and came to Brown. Here he became famous for being the first orthopedic surgeon to put a cast on a dog biscuit. The well-known Milk Bone Repair has since saved the lives of untold millions, and the rest is history. The trouble with Rhode Island is everybody knows your business. He can’t go anywhere now without some clown saying, “Got Milk Bone!” He’s getting tired of that.
So let’s give Dr. D a big round of applause!